I Wanna Turn You Off

Greetings young Van Hammerlings! Sometimes, when I am sifting through day old newspapers and snuffling food from old pizza boxes, the question comes to me: Van Hammersmith, are you really qualified to give young people advice? And then my land lady attacks me with a broom and tells me to get away from the garbage cans, so I move on without really answering my own question.

But I want to answer Ex-Eye's question this week. Because Ex-Eye needs help, and not just band help, but life help. He is under the thumb of a woman who is doing him wrong. I've been there, Ex-Eye, and I want to see you on top again. On top of the WORLD, Ex-Eye. But it ain't E.E.'s lover who is doing him wrong, it's his bass player, and that shit won't flush, baby. Because there aren't too many bass players who have the right to push around the other members of their band. Roger Waters, maybe. Paul McCartney I guess. Others? Probably. I'll have to think about it. Send your suggestions to my twitter feed or facebook page. See how neatly I put in the social media plug? For an under-employed half-hobo, I know how to pimp my brand.

Here's Ex-Eye's question:

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Dear VH,

 

I play guitar for my thrash metal band and we have been having a problem with our bassist. She is rarely at practice, always has an excuse for not knowing our songs, telling us what to do even though she does nothing, and acting like she is so much more mature than the rest of us.

Her little brother (drummer) formed the band two years ago and he and I write everything. When I got kicked out of my parents' place I moved in with them. So I live at the mercy of our bassist (I can't get my own place because I can't get a job) and I wanna get a new bassist but I think she'll kick me out on the streets if I fire her.

I'm not the only one that wants to replace her, our other guitarist and even her little brother wanna get a new bassist. We've talked to her about her attitude and going off with her boyfriend for weeks on end. However, nothing has changed despite her many broken promises and joblessness. We got some shows coming up soon and I don't want her bullshitting the songs again. Is there anyway I can keep a warm couch to sleep on and have a good bassist?

 

Your new fan,
Ex-Eye.

 

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Okay, E.E., here's my first thought: even if you dumpster this sour-note plucking butt-fire, are you really guaranteed to get kicked off the couch? Aren't you her little brother's friend? Can't he stand up for you and prevent you from getting thrown out into the street? And can't you appeal to their parents as well, reminding them that they are doing a great thing by providing you a home?

Also, it might be a good idea to try to smooth things out with your parents. Unless there is a really dangerous situation there with violence or substance abuse or something, it's probably worth trying to smooth things over. Believe me, life is better when your parents are on your side.

Where was I? Ah! This is GOLD, people. I have some smooth-ass moves to lay down for you. Here's how to deal with someone who sucks but also has a massive power-trippin' ego. It's all about psychology, my Van Hammerlings.

Okay, here's the deal. Nobody joins a band because they want to be made a fool of. Nobody says "I want to get up there on stage and look like a fucking tool who's ruining everything for the band." Nobody says that. The problem is that sometimes people don't realise that they're actually doing just that. Sometimes people thing they look AWESOME, even if they've been putting in the absolute minimum effort, and actually look like steaming shit-bags on stilts.

Now! Here is how we need to deal with the bassist. CLEAN your hearts and minds of anger. Cleanse your souls, because what you are about to do, you are doing for her. You are doing this for her OWN GOOD! and it will not work unless you can be absolutely sincere about wanting to help her.

If she does not know the songs, and if she does not attend practice, and if she sounds awful when the rest of you sound halfway tight, you need to have a chat where you COMMUNICATE to her that you are worried about how the upcoming show is going to go.

Tell her you are concerned that if she doesn't know the material, she will stand out and she will LOOK KINDA BAD. People will notice that she is the one member OUT OF STEP. And this might be embarrassing for her.

Now make her the OFFER. Tell her you will do everything you can to help her learn the songs and get up to speed so she can be really awesome at the upcoming shows. But if she makes excuses and refuses to put in the work, tell her the best thing to do is TURN HER AMP ALL THE WAY DOWN.

This is an ASSHOLE MOVE. It is also an effective way of communicating to someone that they suck so much you would rather no one hear them because they suck so much. Say something like, "Look, it sounds really bad when you're all out of time and playing the wrong parts and screwing everything up. Let's just turn you down so you don't look bad. It will be better for you."

Tell her she can turn up when you play the one song she plays kinda okay, if that will make her feel better.

This does not solve your problem, but it gets things moving, because this should move her to realise how unsatisfied you guys are with her performance, and she either needs to step up or step back.

Let's role play how this can go if she refuses to turn down:

HER: Fuck you, I'm not turning down.

YOU: What, you want to suck really loud? We're trying to help you out here.

HER: Fuck you, I don't suck. I'm awesome.

YOU: Sure, but you don't know the songs. It's impossible to sound good if you don't know the songs.

HER: Fuck you. Read this long list of excuses I have about why I've been too busy to learn the songs.

YOU: We accept and acknowledge all of you awesome excuses. But you don't know the songs. You will sound terrible. Please just turn down your amp.

If she agrees to turn down her amp, you either get her to work way harder, or you slowly start moving on without her. If her work ethic doesn't improve, just gradually move toward her air-bassing with an unplugged instrument, then add another bass player who is actually plugged in and playing over at the side of the stage. Eventually she will get the idea and fuck off.

The problem with getting rid of a bad player is that the focus is usually on the people doing the firing. You need to make the whole thing about HER, and that's what the turn-down trick can give you. Yes, you will look like assholes, but she might figure out that she's not keeping up.

If you're afraid of the actual sit-down confrontation, try it casually in practice. Have her brother (who she presumably can't throw into the streets) just tell her, hey, maybe you should turn your amp down a bit. More. No, more. A little more. More. That's it. Why? Because you don't sound very good. You don't know the song very well.

I'm recommending this as a SLOW solution to your problem because I don't want you to get thrown out on the street. I hope it works out. If it doesn't, let me know and I'll try another suggestion.

And the rest of you are welcome to ask me your weird life/band/music questions. Email them to me at mistervanhammersmith at gmail.com.

You're welcome.

Stop Standing There, Bass Player

Greetings, my devil-horned comrades! I have come to you again to share whatever it is I have. The Clap, the Syph, Gon, Clam, Slith, Gloff... I've had'em all, usually twice. But that has nothing to do with this week's column! This week's Q+A is about some jerk and his jerk-band. Read on!

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Dear Van Hammersmith.

I have been playing lead guitar in the same band for four years. The band is me and three of my best friends. We used to gig at least once a fortnight - pubs/clubs/parties, but in the last six months we have been almost dormant. We now have gigs booked for a month away and haven't all jammed together in 4 months. Sunday just gone, myself, the bass player and drummer jammed, and we all played very well, especially after such a long break. However, the bass player only seems to be interested in his own "Progressive Rock/Metal" shit that is bass heavy. We wrote the music for a whole song (his song) and nobody had any problems doing so. The minute I bust out one of the many riffs and progressions I've been sitting on for months the bass player just fucking stands there and isn't interested like a fat woman at a salad bar. My renewed love for music which has come about from listening to bands like NOFX and Frenzal Rhomb (more so their attitude, rather than music), gets punched in the face, and I'm seriously thinking about punching the daylights out of my best friend for being a cunt. I am more than capable of playing in any other band. What should I do? Sorry for the long ass question bro.

Cheers, Beno.

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Cheers, Beno! Remember, we are enlightened motherfuckers, and we do not use the hateful term "cunt." Remember, vaginas are awesome and powerful, and do not deserve to be used as insults.

Penises, on the other hand are stupid and silly-looking. The tend to care only about themselves, and they tend to screw up situations for everybody else, so I'm going to have to say your bass player is being a real dick. A dick-head, if you will. A dick-hole. A dick-face. A cock-headed dick-brain. What do you call your buddy when he's standing up? Erect. When your buddy sits down, point out that he's "gone limp." Get the point?

Ha ha! That reminds me of this time my band was touring with this other band. The guys in the other band were Brazilian. They spoke very good English, but sometimes they would ask questions. One day the guitarist asks me, "Hey Van, what is an asshole?"

I say come on, you know what an ass hole is. It's the hole in the middle of your ass.

He says, "But why do you call a person an asshole?"

I think, and then tell him: "You call a person an asshole if all that comes out of him is shit."

He looks over at his lead singer and then nods. "Yes. Exactly. Asshole."

Anyway, what should you do? It sounds like your band has already broken up, dude. When you take breaks for half a year at a time for no reason, or if you go from gigging all the time to gigging twice a year, dude, you're band is on life support. You're pretty much a free agent and can cruise with other bands. And if your old buddies say "Hey man, what's up?" you can just tell them, "We never play anymore, man."

Exceptions include massive bands who tour and record and gig out of their minds for years and need extended vacations to stay sane. But if you're trying to get your band going and suddenly you realized you haven't even jammed in four months, you better start calling around and seeing if you're still a band.

But to your specific question, yeah, you should punch him. Wait, no, wait. Don't punch him. Talk to him. Ask him what's up? Don't be confrontational. Ask him for-seriously: why is he not actively participating when it's time to work on other people's songs? And if he answers that he's not interested in that type of sound, you've just got to communicate to him that if song-writing duties are being shared, he's going to have to do his part on everybody else's songs.

Gee, Van, we never thought of that, you sneer. Right? We never thought of talking to him. But did you talk to him? Really for real? Because it wouldn't surprise me if you just internalized your anger and said nothing at all. Or got mad and screamed at him but didn't calmly help him to understand how you feel.

That's what you gotta communicate, dick-head. Your feelings.

Also, communicate that he's being a dick.

Look everybody wants to get their riffs in, and all lot of the time you hate everybody else's riffs. That's life. That's music. If it totally doesn't work anymore, move on, bro, because like I said, you band sounds dead anyway. But if you think there's some future there, then you've got to patch it up with this prog-bag.

Gah, prog people. "Uh, I want a seventeen minute song with fifty tempo changes and never playing the same bit twice." Okay buddy, the audience will totally connect with that shit. But whatever. It's a valid and popular genre. But it's way over my head, bro.

Anyway, I veered off on a tangent there. Okay, send me comments or questions at mistervanhammersmith o'er yonder at gmail.com. Follow me @vanhammersmith, find me and like me on facebook. And punch a dick today, even if it's your own.

Where Can I Find Love? I Mean Bandmates

Hey everybody. It's Sunday night as I'm writing this, and although I'm crushing beers,  I'm also taking it a little bit easy tonight. After all, tomorrow I've got to put on a fancy suit, put a bunch of old newspapers in my briefcase, and head out there into the mean streets looking for a job. My plan is to start in the mail room but then somehow get the CEO's hot-honey wife to fall in love with me, and then somehow save the whole company through the power of rock and roll.

Will I play the solo from "Walk This Way" while standing on the table during a board meeting? Yes, I think I will.

Anyway, I want to draw all your attention to my previous post when I told you that I'm looking for bands to interview for an upcoming project. Starting-out bands. Gigging-at-the-local bands. Your band. Read the post, then read this chump's question and my derisive answer.

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What's up, Van?

I recently moved to the big city, I've written some material that I finally feel it's not corny crap, but I don't know how to start out. I'm in search of a drummer and a bass player but my internet searches have so far been fruitless and I haven't been here long enough to actually know people. I need your veteran rock'n'roller wisdom on how to start fresh in a new place where you know no one, since I'm sure you've had your fair share of travelling.

* * *

Another nameless questioneer. I will call you "Cheshmire." Well, Cheshmire, I have traveled and toured and toured and traveled, it is true, but I must admit I have not often moved to a town where I knew nobody at all. Usually I go to a town because there's somebody there that either wants me to hold them in my big strong arms and love them all night long, or because they want me to come and join their band.

Actually, I've only moved twice to join bands. Once was a very short trip, two towns down the highway. My lease was up and I needed to find a new place, and I was sick or riding the bus every week to go to rehearsal, so I just got an apartment closer to where the other guys lived. That wasn't such a big deal because it was only about sixty miles, but hell, I had to figure out a new laundry place, a new grocery store, everything. But hey, finding that stuff on your own in a new town... that's how you get street smart, man.

The other time was when I moved from Philadelphia to San Francisco. My band at the time, a country covers band, had broken up, but an old buddy was starting a rock act in Frisco and invited me out West. I know what you're thinking: "Philly and Frisco are pretty much the same." Yeah, that type of thinking will get you beaten up.

Anyway, I've addressed this issue in columns many times, long ago, but since I want you to read this new column instead of poring through the archives at that other website, I'll answer your question fresh and new! How do you meet other players? Hmmmm.

Here is the easiest answer. Go to where the musicians hang out. That means find out where the guitar and instrument stores are in town and go hang out there for a while. Don't just lurk around, looking like a thief. Approach and talk to one of the staff. Tell them you are new in town and you don't know much about the local scene. Tell them you're looking to meet other players. ASK QUESTIONS. Here is what you need to find out:

1. What are the bars where the local bands play. Who gives a shit where Aerosmith plays when they pass through town? Find out where Joey Dirtmonkey and The Buttfucks play on Saturday night. Find out what bars host the local jams. Ask about a few different places. Is there a rock bar? Country? Goth? God, I love Goth bars. Because I love Goth chicks. Sexy nerds dressed in fishnets and latex? I am there all fucking night. I spike up my hair and show up in a leather jacket and no shirt and walk around saying I know Jaz Coleman. Awesome.

2. I lost my train of thought. Right! Ask the guy about local practice facilities. They might be a good place to check out. They often have a posting board where people are looking for players. You might bump into some people too, but don't hang around like a dickhead stalker. Put up a poster with your details: "Guitarist named Cheshmire seeks band. Must love Prong. Email pronglover@prong.prong."

3. Ask the guitarist guy if he knows anyone looking for players. Ask about the local scene, ask about where people connect in this town. And if he gives you a dickheaded shrug to all of your questions, find someone else to ask. And go to the other shops in town too. Talk to as many people as you can. Usually if you ask five people you'll get five different answers.

After you've pumped these assholes for information, drop twenty bucks on some new patch cords, or strings or something. Don't wimp out and buy a pick. He'll say, "That butt-tard asked me questions for twenty minutes and then spent fifteen cents. If he comes back DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME ON HIM."

Next, go to a jam night. Bring your guitar. Ask to play. Ask the hosts who the regulars are and introduce yourself. Say you're new in town and you're looking to meet other players. You gotta talk to people, baby.

That's the problem with this internet thing, man. It's easy to meet people, but it sometimes makes people forget how to approach strangers in real life. Be brave, be cool, and don't get too wasted.

I'm out of time. Take care, babies. Email me at mistervanhammersmith on yonder gmail.com with your questions. Follow me on twitter @vanhammersmith and find me on Facebook. When I finally get 25 "likes" I'll post a URL.

Kiss me. I secretly love you.

Dear Dickhead, You're Fired

I am so, so hungry right now. It's a little bit sad, but I'm not sure how well I'm going to be able to answer this question-- which I might point out is a brand new question, submitted within the last few weeks by... huh. He didn't sign his letter. No matter. I will call him "Thunderin' Joey Amos."

Anyway, yeah, I'm hungry. I'm short on cash and haven't been able to buy any food or beer, and I was waiting for one of my ex-girlfriends to come over and make me some dinner, but it turns out one of her more recent ex-boyfriends called up with a crisis more dramatic than being hungry. All I've found in the house was a baggy full of left over marijuana stems, so I boiled them and made some weird tea. It didn't give me much more than a mild ten minute buzz, but it did make my hunger worse. I'm starting to wonder about putting rat traps in the alleys. You know, for the meat.

But I'd better get busy and answer Thunderin' Joey's question. And then? Go to the park and eat acorns, I guess.

------

First, it's awesome to see you back.

I'm one of two lead guitarists in a 5-piece metal band. The other guitarist, the drummer, and myself write basically everything, and what we're writing is awesome - at least, we love it. Our biggest problem has quickly became our vocalist and our bass player, because they don't show up for practice and now they're both out of the loop on this stuff we've got done. To make matters worse is their work ethic- to say the least, neither of them have one anymore.

The vocalist sucks. He can write wonderful lyrics, but his voice is god-awful...but he's got an ego to the point of thinking he's god's gift to metal, and any attempt to get him to take lessons has failed. Even when people tell him he's bad, it just rolls off him.

The bassist used to be the other guitarist until I came along. Since he took up bass, he doesn't try to learn anything. He just plucks open notes instead of learning the material; whenever told to practice or if I've written a good bass part for him (because it's came down to me writing parts because he won't) he doesn't try to learn them, because "he plays bass".

The answer is obvious to me- fire them. They don't pull their weight. My big question is HOW. The vocalist got me in the band in the first place, and both he and the bassist formed the band; the other hurdle is getting the other guys who do pull their weight on board with such an action. They're all friends, and they don't want to hurt feelings, which I don't want to either, but something's gotta give. They aren't trying anymore. We have gigs lined up, and we won't be able to play any of this new material because these two don't know any of it.

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I like this guy. No wasting time with hellos and goodbyes. Thunderin' Joey Amos is all business.

Okay, TJA, you're in a sitch that's very familiar to many a workin' guitar man: you're in a good band that has a few bad players. And the obvious answer is the one you're already come up with: fire them. As for how, bend your ear and listen to wise old Hammersmith lay it down, not old school, not new school, but (toke, toke) hi-i-i-i-i-i-gh school.

(Just joking. As I've already pointed out, my weed is long gone.)

You've got a couple ways to handle this. The first solution is the old "quit and reform" trick. If the vocalist and the bass player are the guys that formed the band, but now they're the ones who suck too much to be in it, all you have to do is have the other three guys say "Your commitment is no longer there, and we've decided to jump ship. We're QUITTING THE BAND."

Then you walk across the street, form a new band, and start trying out really dedicated bass players (not disgruntled guitarists who have been kicked off guitar in the band they started and are super-bitter about it). Also start looking for vocalists who... you know... don't fucking suck.

If this is not the way you want to go, or if you can't get the other guys on board with the plan (or if the band already has some name recognition that you don't want to lose by starting again under a new name), then there are still other ways to go.

If the most glaring problem the band has at the moment is attendance at practice, then there is a real shitty solution. It rarely works, and the people that try to enforce it usually end up looking like assholes, but it's worth mentioning. Go down to your local dollar mart and get a notebook and use it too keep track of attendance at practice. If everyone agrees on a time and someone bails, then mark it down. Say something like three absences and you're out.

Of course there will be an excuse for every absence (Dude, my sister was having a crisis! She had no food or beer, and I had to bring her my old weed stems!) but you've got to hold the line and explain that if someone is not able to attend on a regular basis, then they are simply too busy to be in the band.

Like I said, this is a dickish way to operate, but the important thing is that you communicate to the guys who are often absent that they are holding up the band's progress because they never show. And they either need to step up or they need to recognize that they don't really give a shit anymore.

That's right, boys: STEP UP or STEP ASIDE.

But let's back off and analyse these guys as human beings for a second, and maybe we can think of ways to "fix" them. First, your vocalist. You acknowledge he's a good lyricist, but he's a shitty singer. If he won't take lessons, you could suggest he tries an effects box for a few songs. Rent some piece of shit for a few practices and get him to sing with some vocal distortion and reverb for a while. It's a patchwork defence, but it might be a temporary Band-Aid that helps him in the long run. He might use it to make himself sound better, cover over his weaknesses, or generally hide behind it. If it makes him sound a little better at gigs, then hey! Partial solution.

If he's some kind of purest snob who doesn't think real metal vocalists use effects, then offer to bring in another singer to take over some of the duties where he's weak. If he refuses this, that and the other thing, and you find yourself just stuck with a shitty singer, then... well, not even my awesome powers can help you. Either FIRE HIM or acknowledge that he will limit your band's potential, and live with it.

As for bad bassy, I can see why he's acting so shitty. He started the band with bad singy as the guitarist, but he got kicked down the totem pole by a better player. He views bass as beneath him and unworthy of his time. He's bitter for being usurped. He feels marginalized. He feels... um... besmirched. Sorry, my vocabulary starts to go when I haven't been eating properly.

What I think you guys need to do is have an H.R. night. Yeah, I mean human resources. As in that woman in the nice suit who meets you in an office (sometimes with a witness present) to ask you what you want out of your career with the company.

Go to a pub and order a few pitchers of draft. This is important. You all want to be on the same team. You all want to be drinking from the same jug of beer. It shows camaraderie. Next, go around the table and ask each member what they want to get out of the experience of being in the band. Rock stardom? Good times rockin' the songs? The gigs? Or chicks, man, chicks. Whatever.

Ask each member if they are getting what they want right now, or if they think they are effectively working toward getting what they want. Ask if they think it's possible to get what they want in their current role. What would have to change for them to be satisfied with their role? Because seriously Thunderin' Joey Amos, your bass player is not satisfied in his current role. It's obvious he hates what he's been asked to do.

Look for compromises. If he's unwilling to give bass his full effort and attention, see if there's another role he could perform. Maybe you guys could trade off bass and guitar for some songs, like the ones he wrote on guitar IF he's willing to give 100% when he's on bass.

If the only thing you guys are willing to let him do is play bass, you'd better let him know. "Dude, it's this or nothing. If you don't want to play bass, then you might want to think about looking for another band. Because you're holding us back."

He's be pissed. Absolutely he will. He was one of the band's FOUNDERS. But bands that succeed make these hard decisions. If he's not up to the rest of the group's level, it might be necessary to move him out.

Just make sure he gets song-writing credits where he deserves them when your album goes platinum.

Do albums still go platinum? One Billion Downloads. Whatever. The Van is out of touch with modern society.

But I know how band dynamics work.

That's all I've got for you, baby. I'm going to go hit the food bank. Don't worry about me though, I've got a gig this weekend, and I should pick up a few hundred for it. It's with a cover band, opening for a classic rock band. I won't name names though. Why not? Because I owe people money and I don't want to be found.

But if YOU need to find me, just email your questions to vanhammersmith (at) hotmail.com. I don't answer emails, but I do reply to tweets (@vanhammersmith) and you can find me on Facebook. Two people have liked me so far! Hooray, I'm internet famous!

Busking, Dead or Alive

My dearest Van Hammerheads! Your dark lord Van Hammersmith is here again, eating military hardtack crackers and drinking discount brand beer, dispensing opinions (not wisdom) and thoughts (not knowledge). I am very happy to announce that today I will be answering my first fresh question in YEARS. That's right, these past few questions have been from the archives, but my man Seamus has come to me at the very end of 2013 looking to hear what VH thinks.

Remember, I will answer your question too. Email me. My name is vanhammersmith. I am at hotmail.com. Just remember that I won't answer your email, but I might answer your question here on this website. And then, somehow, I will be your friend. Remember to like me on facebook and follow me on twitter, because I'm a goddamn social media whore.


Hey Van,

Your column is the tits, long time fan. I have a question for you. What is your take on busking? Have you had any experience with it youself and do you have any tips on where, when and what to play? I live in Santa Rosa, CA and just started experimenting with it myself. I have had some luck and managed to pull in about sixty bucks over a period of four sessions. I'm not doing it just for the money, more for the fun and experience of it, but it is still nice to pull in some extra cash if I can.

Looking forward to hearing your ideas,

Seamus.

Oh, Seamus. Yes, I have ideas, and yes, you are going to hear them, because you have joined a very special under-class of the human race. What would Karl Marx say about buskers? Probably something like each according to his available spare change, to each according to his ability to make you smile on a street corner.

Yes, you are going down, down among the classes. You will become either a talented dabbler in the "street arts," or just slightly above hobo status.

By the way, some of the most memorable buskers I've come across have been hobos. Although not proper hobos, because I've heard that "hobo" is actually based on the term "homeward bound," which suggests down-on-their-luck fellas hitching rides in box-cars across the continent with their shit wrapped up in a hanky tied to a stick, trying to get back to Whiskey Road, Arkansas where dear ol' Pa makes "Crazy Juice" in a barrel in the barn and there's a fresh young thing down the dirt road that will chase you with a shotgun for leaving her after that first roll in the hay, but then she'll remember why she fell in love with you in the first place: because you play the spoons better than any dumb bastard in three counties.

And you assholes are saying "Spoons?" And I'm like, yeah, spoons, dummies, because if you're busking, just about anything will pass for an instrument. I've seen guys with the most broken-down shit you can imagine out there playing. Half a tambourine. The old standing-shuffle-clap dance. Anything passes.

I remember one time I was working a day job as a shipping clerk. We kept the back door open because it was so hot in there, and there was some goof who stood at the corner of the block all the time playing a slide whistle. You know: deeeeyoooooooweeeeeeeyoooooooweeet. He knew "Amazing Grace" and I think a Christmas song. I no longer remember which one. The thing was, he was brutally horrible at it, and although he could usually eventually find each note, he had a the rhythm/timing/tempo/etc of a five year old after eating three pieces of birthday cake and a can of soda.

Imagine stupid little Timmy-Johnny standing there with pink frosting all over his face and his eyes bugging out, singing the song he knows for Gammy and Gramps: "AMAZINGGRACEHOWSWEETTHESOUNDTHATSAVEDAWRETCHLIKEMEEEEEEEEE!"

Now imagine this atrocity is being performed on a mickey-fickey slide whistle. We used to talk about what we wanted to do to that guy. Beating him to death with stuff was mentioned a lot, and as you can expect, we often speculated on whether he could play slide whistle using his farts after we shoved the thing deep up his ass. That's right. His ASS.

I also remember a guy who played a two string ukelele in front of a grocery store. I used to pass him on my walk home every day. Jolly fellow. The first time I saw him I was tripping on acid and he was wearing a top hat and had a long scary beard. I almost jumped out of my skin when he smiled at me. I thought the Ukelele Satan had come to claim my soul. He probably collected more coins after losing the freak-show outfit. But he didn't play songs. He just twiddled his last two remaining strings. I always thought, man, why not use some of that change to get some new strings? How much are ukelele strings? A dollar? But he probably wanted a beer with that dollar.

Thing is, he should have viewed that dollar as an invenstment. With better strings, maybe he would have sounded better, collected more coins, and been able to buy even more beers. But whatever, he's the pro.

So maybe, Seamus, you've ahead of the game just having a guitar. Although I've also seen buskers with good guitar rigs with no idea how to play. "Imma play G all night. Imma get rich." I knew a girl who wanted to learn guitar herself so she could go down and teach the busker on the corner near her apartment how to play another chord.

Anyway, here are Van's tips for busking. Liquor stores are all right, but a bit obvious. Grocery stores are good. Street corners in busy shopping districts. The obvious spots. Places with good foot traffic. Play stuff people will recognize, but not "Amazing Grace" and not Christmas songs all summer long. Classic rock. Beatles. Standards. Sing if you can, but if you sing badly, just play. If you play badly, don't got to the same place too often, or you'll get "This guy again?" attitude.

Smile. Smile like you love just playing. Smile and make eye contact with people, and let them know that you're there for the fun, not the money. And try not to look like a hobo, but also don't try to look like you're some rich dick-hole out having fun with the 'poors.'

I don't know what the busk scene is like in Santa Rosa. I only remember passing through that town once and stopping in a little bar, hungrier than hell, and asking to order food. They didn't serve food, but brought me a plastic cup with some popcorn in it to go with my beer. Oh well. That's life on the road. If Santa Rosa is like the rest of the world, just have a good time, look like you're having a good time, and try to make other people have a good time. That might make them want to give you some change.

Have I ever busked? Just once. Drunk. At a funeral. I was asked to leave.

By the way, if anyone wants to use "Drunk at a Funeral" as an album or song title, I think that would be pretty cool.

All right, everyone. Get your guitars and get out there. "But Van, it's cold out." I said GET OUT THERE! You've got music. They've got nickles and dimes. GO.

The Dilettante Singer Question

Welcome, my rock and roll friends. Van Hammersmith is here once again to share his experience and wisdom. Or experience at least. I admit, there have been many, many time when I have been unwise, and the ensuing adventures always had something to teach me. To tap into my store-house of wisdom/experience, ask me a question at vanhammersmith at the hotmail.com. Follow me on twitter.

Okay, that was the cough syrup talking. Cough-cough. All right, let's see what we're dealing with this week.

Hoi there, Mr Hammersmith!

My friend asked me into a band like half a year ago, and my friend (the singer, a girl) said we would be going to studio next autumn. We had trainings once a week and we practised also at home. Well the singer didn't show up for rehearsals, and believe me, she appeared twice, TWICE to the them during almost six months. It was always a surprising hindrance or possibly she didn't even mention why she was away. She's a pretty good singer and always says she wants to do the thing, but... she talks but doesn't act. And she's the typical "if you don't agree with me, I'm gonna leave" person.

I really enjoy jamming with the other guys in the band, and it is actually funnier than playing with our singer, but they want to stick with her. We always ask her why she was away, but we've never been on her throat shouting at her about the matter. Any thoughts?

Miksu.

Well, hellllllllo, Miksu. Yes I do have thoughts. I have serious thoughts that burn deep down in the furnace of my soul, because I have to talk about one of the chiefs time-wasters and band-breakers out there.

Dilettantes.

Pity the fool who unknowingly forms a band with a dilettante, because they will hold you back from achieving even minimal levels, Miksu dude. A dilettante is described as a person with only superficial knowledge of a subject. I would push the definition further to include people of superficial interest or commitment, which is definitely where I would categorize your Miss Whitney Penelope.

I bet she's a pretty good singer, right? And good looking? I bet all the guys in the band like her, and each of you has at least once fantasized about the band getting huge and you guys hooking up for an amazing, raw, emotional love affair, but things not lasting and eventually recording a critically and commercially exceptional  album that is about your failed relationship and you would get rich and famous and you two would sometimes still hook up for out of this world sex, but in between tours, you would also hook up with an absolute train of supermodels.

It's okay to think those thoughts when you've alone at night, Miksu. It's natural, even healthy for a young man. Just don't do it too much or you'll turn into a werewolf.

Anybody here old enough to get that joke? No? Back in the olden days people used to warn teenagers not to jerk off, because it will make you turn into a werewolf, as if that would be some kind of a deterrent. I don't think anyone actually believed it, but parents told their kids that because they were sick of finding come in the laundry basket.

Anyway, I think I may have gotten side-tracked, but what I mean to say is that Miss Missy Prinsissy might be a good singer and maybe you think the band will "go somewhere" with her as its frontie. But that's never going to happen with her, because she is not prioritizing the band. If she would rather do just about anything else than go to scheduled rehearsals, then there's not much chance you'll ever get her to commit the time necessary to actually break through in any way, even on the most minor local level. She will drag you down.

If you are serious about "making it," then this band is not for you. On the other hand, it seems like you have a good thing going with these guys. If you're playing for the fun of being in a band and making music every week, stick with them. Maybe over time they'll listen to your arguments about replacing your part-time lead singer.

Think about this, too. The band can gradually form an identity separate from her. You guys could become like Crazy Horse, sometimes playing by yourselves and sometimes playing with her. Crazy Horse! I don't think I've ever mentioned Crazy Horse in one of these before.

For all the good little boys and girls, beware forming a band with a person whose passion is not on the same level with yours. Maybe a player or singer will say they're into a project when they're really not, or maybe they will be passionate but flakey. Either way, recognize these individuals and make the determination if they are going to hold you back. Then decide if it's time to start firing your friends.

Oh yeah, baby. Keep the questions coming to VanHammersmith over at homail.com, and be sure to like me on facebook like some of viral marketing whore.

 

The "I Fell In Love With My Singer" Question

It's Tuesday (or it was when I wrote this) and your guitar-loving pirate friend has returned again with solutions to your problems. Or at least vague, unhelpful advice and thinly-veiled mockery. Remember, I'm looking for fresh new questions. If you need me to chime in or your misery, hit me up at "vanhammersmith" over @ "hotmail.com." (That should throw the robots off my trail).

Today's question!


Dear Van Hammersmith dude,

I play guitar, and I think it's safe to say I'm not that bad. I've played in a few gigs here and there, but nothing too serious. Well I found out a few months ago that my friend Jack is amazing at guitar, and he also shares the same dream as me. So he introduced me to his neighbor. She has the most amazing voice ever. Well anyways, we fell in love with each other. Is that bad? Like, can the band still work since me and her are doing each other?

And Jack is going into the military soon. He's amazing at guitar, do we replace him? I don't want to have to kick the person out that replaces him when he gets back. And our style of music that we play really doesn't need 3 guitars. Do we even replace him? We can still kick ass with just the guitar and singer.

Please help, your pothead-guitar playin fan, Dude.

Okay Dude, you've got two problems here, and both are SERIOUS BAND-DISTURBERS. Second question first! Jack is going into the military soon. That can mean a lot of things. Maybe you won't see him for six months, or a year, or three years. You might not see him for... a while. Maybe he's going overseas somewhere really dangerous and he can't even tell you about it because it's a "Black Op." I don't know. But here's a rule of thumb on replacing band members who are "going away for a while." (jail, rehab, the military, on the run, long surgery recoveries, amnesia, etc).

By the way, I always get ripped for sounding sexist in these replies. I acknowledge that both boys and girls play the rock, but because you're talking about Jack, I'm going to use the male pronoun and avoid the annoying he/she thing.

Six months or less: If he's non-critical to the sound, just try to get along without him. If he is critical to the sound and you have paying gigs coming up, bring in some hired gun-slinger to play the gigs with the clear understanding that this is purely a cash-in-hand situation, and he'll be punted when Regular Joe is finished dealing with his personal demons.

Six months or more: When you're looking at half a year stretching into a year or more, your have to face facts that this dude is not a part of the band right now. Waiting destroys momentum, changing the lineup will change the project... it's a two-faced coin, and each side is a knife. Or something.

Here's what you can do. If you can get away with one guitar, go for it, but keep your options open for new players. Let them know you've got this army buddy that will be back, but not for a long time. If they want to participate, that's great, but be clear there may come a time when the lineup will have to be "reorganized." (Awk-ward).

The thing is, it's important for young developing players and songwriters to have bandmates to bounce material off of. It sounds like you and your man Jack have a good thing going, and it may be hard to find another player to "fill in" that spot while he's away. Like, "Hey bud, try and sound/be more like Jack when you play this one."

On the other hand, playing with other peeps will help you learn your craft. I would say find someone if you can. I'm free on Tuesday nights, but I'm not paying for gas.

As for relentlessly banging away on your lead singer, I always say get it when you can, especially when there's LOVE involved. Let's face it, most rock songs are about love or trying to get laid. It would be anti-rock to suggest you curb your appetites for either. However, take heed of these warnings if you are going out with your lead singer:

One: If you guys break up it will destroy your band.

Two: If you guys get pregnant it will destroy your band.

Three: If you guys become a faction of two against the other players it will destory your band.

Four: If you prioritize your relationship over the band it will destroy your band.

Five: If another band member also falls in love with her it will destroy your band.

Six: If you guys back each other on musical decisions because of your relationship and not because of your real musical opinions, it will destroy your band.

Seven: If you guys have sex in the tour van or in the same room while other band members are trying to sleep it will destroy your band.

Eight: If you get jealous of other dudes checking out your girl while she's looking sexay on stage, it will destroy your band.

Nine: If you can't handle dudes from other bands talking to your girl it will destroy your band.

So go ahead! Get down, make love, have an awesome experience! Just be sure not to, you know, destroy your band.

And remember to send me your questions, everyone. I'm here to help.

Love you tender,

Van Hammersmith.