Thursday, June 5, 2014

Moving In On Your Band-Mate's Lady: Good Idea, Right?

Hey there, folks. I back from the drycleaners. Good crap, do my clothes ever smell nice. And after I follow through on my plan to eventually clean my apartment, everything else is going to smell good too, you bet! And then, maybe, a shower...

Anyway, I've been going through the Van Hammerfiles, looking for unanswered questions, and I found this dude who needs my help.

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Hey Van the Man,

I do have a creepy question for ya:

I'm the Lead guitar hobo of our tiny "punk rock in your face" cover band. That's the easy part. Our singer seems to be attracted to me and she is at least a 7 (out of 10) and I also feel attracted to her.

Problem is: Our rhythm guitar guy (one or THE best friend of mine) is in a relationship with her. He was the one who told me that she likes me and is really easy about this as he seems not to care that much for her (but I may be wrong). Last jam session when we were outside alone for a few secs I had this "kiss her, kiss her" blowing voice in my head. But I'm not one of these assholes who pinches someone's girl.

Now there's the question: Should I give her a try and risk the whole band and friendship stuff? Should I talk to him seriously about it? Quitting or something is no option btw. Same with weird 3-some thoughts.

Thanks in advance.

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Yeah, man, like it's TOTALLY okay to try and squeeze on your best friend's girl. Hell, it would be rude not to.

Are you insane? Okay, I get it that they're throwing you weird signals. She smiles at you, sometimes touches your arm when you're chatting. And he's saying things like "I think she likes you, man." This will confuse you. I understand. And you're young,  you're so fucking full of energy and horny-pants lust, and she's so hot and sweet, and those things they are saying are like GREEN LIGHTS man,

Believe me, man. I've been in these situations before. Based only on the scant, sleazy information from your letter, here are my guesses to what's going on. Their relationship might be slipping a bit. He is feeling down about himself and his relationship and maybe his girl. His girl is possibly unsatisfied with the situation and likes having another good friend to talk to, like yourself.

Seems simple, right? The relationship is deteriorating, so I might as well blow up the bridge for them by attempting to scoop my pal's gal. It's obvious!

Dude, blow your nose and clear your head. If they are actually still in the relationship, then she will shut your ass down, he will find out, and the band is FUCKED. If she says yes and you guys do the hook-up, your buddy, no matter what he says, will hate you for betraying him and your band is FUCKED. Make your move man, and your band is fucked.

Do you want my advice? Never move on a buddy's gal, even after they're broken up. You should wait (I'M NOT KIDDING) a couple YEARS before moving in on a pal's ex. Even if she's into it, he will hate your guts, even if he says it's cool. How would you feel if your pal started stroking his long, iron-hard wanger into the hot comic-reading nerd babe you were dumb enough to dump? You would cry for the rest of your life. You would fall in love with her all over again forever, write bad poems to her, hate him, HAAAAATE him, hate him. And you would cry and cry.

That's what you're plotting to do to your buddy.

This shit is an instant band-breaker-upper, bro.

The exception (and there are always exceptions) would be The Ramones. And let me tell you, as good as they were, as long as they lasted, and as many great songs as they wrote, you would not have wanted to be in The Ramones, man. Johnny Ramone stole Joey's girl, did you know that? They got married and everything. And Joey and Johnny basically never spoke again. NEVER SPOKE AGAIN.

Can you imagine being in a band and your singer and guitarist haven't spoken to each other in fifteen years? How awkward would those twelve hour bus rides be?

When Joey was in the hospital dying of throat cancer, Johnny didn't even pick up the phone, because he knew Joey wouldn't want to hear from him. He knew he hated him. They HATED each other.

Linda and Johnny Ramone. Not shown: hate-filled, bitter Joey.

Over a girl, man.

Think about it.

Okay, if any of you other punters have questions, email me at mistervanhammersmith (at) Like me on Facebook and follow me on twitter, as usual.